The Things that Make Us Human.

I have stopped pretending to be normal and have focused on learning how to regulate my nervous system, for this is one of the best things you can do for yourself if you have autism.  One of the things I found that helped me to calm down was stuffed animals. Stuffed animals were one of my childhood and aspie obsessions that I had given up in order to be more grown up and normal.

I have always loved stuffed animals and preferred them over dolls as a child, for I did not like the realistic looking eyes that dolls have. People with autism have trouble making eye contact with other people, so making eye contact with a china doll for me was extremely painful while stuffed animals did not have the same effect. Stuffed animals are also my autistic obsession and I collect and make them. Now every autistic person has their own obsessions, for it’s a part of us having narrow interests.  Most of the aspies I've meant often have an obsession that includes collecting something and mine are no exception.  People with autism will often carry their obsessions from childhood into adulthood and tend to be more childlike, for their emotions are often more immature because emotional maturity tends to develop slower in people with autism. However, the child-likeness that people with autism have is often what makes them charming and gives them a different way of looking at things. I still love to make my stuffed animals fight with each other, have tea parties with them, and I also take them on trips with me. It’s childlike, I know, but it’s a part of who I am.

I had loads of stuffed animals growing up and used to play for hours on end with them. My first stuffed animal was a small bear, shaped like a baby doll, with small, beady, brown eyes named Huggy Bear. Huggy Bear was basically my first real friend, for I took him everywhere with me. I now give my stuffed animals more complex names and personalities now that I am an adult. As a child I wished I could make my own stuffed animals and once I started knitting and sewing in my later teen years I was able to. The first stuffed animal I ever knitted was named Dot.

I have been knitting since I was fourteen years old and took to it right away. People with autism are often good with memorizing patterns and symbols and can find them soothing to memorize and learn. Knitting has all of that, so I found it very easy and relaxing to do. I’ve made all sorts of things, but one day I picked up a book entitled The Big Book of Knitted Monsters by Rebecca Danger and fell in love with one of the Monsters in the book named Dot. I decided to make Dot, so I got out my knitting needles and some pink and purple yarn and set out to knit her. I knitted her in the course of about four days, while attending college too, and enjoyed every minute of it. She was perfect and I had fallen in love with her.  She was so adorable with her pink body and her purple ears and eye patch and she soon became a constant figure at my side. I would buckle her in with a seat belt in my car, answer the door and with her while wearing my leopard pajamas and purple turban, and take her in my purse to math class. I have a whole collection of knitted Monsters and sock animals now, but Dot was really special because I had always wanted to make my own stuffed animals and toys and it wasn’t until my late teens that I possessed the coordination needed to make them.

People with autism often lack physical coordination and it often takes them longer to become coordinated. I am quite klutzy and have terrible depth perception and it used to be so bad when I was a kid that I would run into things and knock things over a lot. I had trouble with fine motor skills such as handwriting and believe it or not I was a terrible seamstress as a child. I could not get my stitches even and I would stick myself with the needle every other stitch. I am just happy that my parents worked hard with me to help me be more coordinated and that I can now make, at age twenty-one, the stuffed animals I love. Also, I have always been obsessed with books and reading even though I could not read until I was eleven years old.

I cannot remember in a time in my life when books were not a large part of it. My parents both were not read to  as children, so when they had me they decided to read to me as much as possible, so that I would take a interest in reading. My mother used to take me to garage sales and resale shops when I was just two years old to buy books and then we would come home, snuggle on the couch, and read them. We read also sorts of children’s books until I decided that they were too immature for me. Children with autism are often intellectually advanced for their age and find things that are age appropriate boring and not challenging. My father started reading Sherlock Holmes by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle to me when I was around six years old and I soaked it up. I loved the plot twists and trying to figure out the mystery before Holmes did. I also loved to hear my father read to me for he had a wonderful expressive reading voice that made the story come alive.  He would make 20,000 Leagues Under the sea, The Lord of the Rings, Little Woman, and Journey to the Center of the Earth come to life and I would bounce and spin all over the living room, where we would often settle down and read in the evening, from the sheer pleasure of hearing him read.

I, however, could not read to myself the books that my intellect so desired because I have a learning disability called dyslexia.  Dyslexia occurs when the brain does not properly process and recognize symbols. As a child I was homeschooled, so my parents were my teachers. My parents tried teaching me to read at a young age, but it just felt like I had a blockage on my brain that would not allow me to understand printed text. I remember being so frustrated that I could not read a book above a second grade level, for I really long to read books such as the Hobbit on my own. My parents just thought I needed  more time and more instruction, so my dad bought a homeschool curriculum titled  Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons this quickly turned into “ Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Angry Lessons.” We would sit on the couch with that book and I would try and read the stories from it, but I could barely read any of it. My Dad when I would get frustrated would just tell me, “Try and concentrate harder and you will be able to do it,” What he didn't understand was that I was dyslexia no amount of concentration was going to make it better. So we would continue doing 100 Angry Lessons until I believe my father gave up because of the meltdowns I would have afterwards. I also got awful headaches after 100 Angry Lessons because of reading and this was because of my Irlen Syndrome.

I did find books on tapes and CD’s very helpful and listened to the books I couldn't read because obviously my parents could not read to me as much I myself wanted too. I remember listening to the Hobbit nine times on book on tape and I even knew some of the lines by heart. I remember lying on my bed and listening to the different books play on cassette tape on my father’s old, grey, BoomBox, that he used to blast other sailors out with on the submarine he was on, and I would just drift into the story and I would feel as if I was in it. Books on cassette allowed me to enjoy the books that I could not read and made me feel a little better about not being able to read, for at least I had heard so many great stories and multiple times too.

I got diagnosed with dyslexia and Irlen Syndrome when I was eleven years old. Irlen Syndrome is a perceptual processing disorder that causes sensitivity to light, perceptual distortions, depth perception issues, and headaches among other things. To treat Irlen Syndrome they use special colored lens to correct your perception of light and colored over lays to help correct distortion associated with printed text. Irlen Syndrome often accompanies both autism and dyslexia. After I got diagnosed and received tutoring, my lens, and overlay I was able at the end of my tutoring to read at a ninth grade reading level and I had only received one year of tutoring. I was finally able to read the books I loved by myself and this is when my obsession with libraries and bookstores really started to grow.

I love libraries and bookstores and find them to be safe heavens. I find books comforting because they are like good friends that never judge you and are always there when you need them. I collect classic and some postmodern literature and I am always searching for the next book in my collection. My penchant for classic literature started when I was little for my parents would pick out books to read to me from a literature guide.  Also, because of my aspergers syndrome I often get obsessed with a certain literature gene or author and then I must have all of the books pertaining to that author or gene. As a child I would often go to Borders bookstore and spend hours looking at the book covers and feeling the different papers the pages were printed on. I would sit down in the middle of the children’s aisle in Borders bookstore and pick through the books examining and touching each one carefully. When I could finally read on my own I would find a spot and sit down and read the text and bask in the aroma of each book as I read it. I like printed books because of the paper! I’m not quite sure why I love paper so much but I love the way it feels and smells. I enjoy the way different papers feel as I run my finger tips across them because each one feels unique. Books, also, all smell different to me, but they can smell the same if they are from the same publisher because they tend to use the same type of glue on all of them whether they are paperback or hardcover. I love vintage books, as well, and the musty smell they have. Also, they used different paper fifty years ago and I find the papers intriguing to feel and look at because they are often less smooth and more rough then the paper in the books today. I am hopelessly in love with books.